Providence

Tolkien, in a letter to his son regarding the topic of love, stated this:

Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes; in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the 'real soul mate’ is the one you are actually married to. You really do very little choosing: life and circumstance do most of it (though if there is a God these must be His instruments, or His appearances).

 

My wife constantly tells me that what I really want, is to be a PhD holed up in some office; that family gets in the way of this.   I have tried to argue against this with little avail.   Perhaps the following blurb inspired from the above quote, will bolster my contrary opinion.

Growing up in high school, I did not want to fall in love at all.  I wanted a girlfriend and companionship of course, but I in no way was looking for what I got ... my wife.  Yet, I knew from the outset that, wanting it or not, my wife was what I needed.  Nothing could have been, or ever has been, clearer.

A similar scenario happened in college.  I never wanted to be an academic or ever thought myself capable of being one; all I wanted to do was to be solidly educated and married.  Yet in college I became intoxicated by learning and understanding.  Perhaps I can be an academic?

{warning, the following paragraph, being an attempt to explain my conundrum and state of mind, will slide into prose that is deliberately bad in grammar}


Now I sit at an academic crossroad, not knowing where to go.  A PhD or no?   If I move to obtain a PhD , it will not only be the beginning of the end of my floor nursing career, but represent a substantive threat to my wife and family.  If I do not go on for a PhD, I may become miserable, regretting what I was become, becoming what I was not;  a loss of self; a toxic negative indulgence leading to a shell of a husband loosening his wife and family.  This is not agreeable either.

While I do not have a concrete solution to the above, I know God and his providence is saying loud and clearly this:

If I do not make sure that my wife and family come first, then all the opportunity and understanding in life will be lost.  For life and it’s providence has wisdom beyond measure.   I am to be reminded that without my freshman roommate or the love of my friends, I probably would not have gotten married.  I am to be reminded, that I could never otherwise explain why, except for providence, one rainy day in high school, completely unconscious of what I was doing,  I randomly walked over to my future wife’s house (barely knowing her at all) and rung that doorbell.

On paper, Frodo was convinced he had gone well beyond what he needed to do, by getting the Ring to Rivendell.  However, as convinced as he was that he was done with the ring, he soon saw that he, and he alone could take that ring to Mordor, for circumstances, nay life itself, would have no other way.  Unlike the movie, in the book, this process takes several decades of struggle as Frodo does not want to give up what he loves so much, in order to do what he knows is right (especially because logic is technically on the side of him giving up the ring).

Thus,  I can say no more than this: To my wife and many friends, I may have wanted (or still want) many things which were (are) bolstered by good logic.  However,  I am to be constantly reminded that you and only you, despite good or bad logic, have had any truth to offer from this life; that you are obvious instruments of providence.  I firmly believe that if I am to succeed  and be happy at anything it is because I kept your council and love.  This holds especially true of my Wife and children.

Thank you.