Feel spiritually on trial, no logical reason for feeling this way. I don’t know who to turn or listen to. No one but these struggles, thoughts and internal dialogue are your journey and defense in this trial and spirituality, although it may be helpful to discuss with those who you trust spiritually. Makes any sense. Does it ever. Maybe this is your spirit trying to help you uncover its purpose in life spiritually.
The gate is for him alone. No one else matters in your trials and travels in trying to get into the gate. The gate is solely our own entry way into something based on our existence. We all face judgment individually.
I do not want my existence/life put on trial, especially given the fact that the only reason it would seem I would have for being on trial, is my existence. Spiritually this is the basis of our judgment. The idea that our spiritual relationship is what gets us in the gate. It is this relationship that becomes the foundation of our spirituality. On the other hand, being judged by society based on our existence occurs every day. People judge, criticize and give advice based on our existence, which also may speak to our “wherefore” fuel.
Should I not denounce the arrest altogether (i.e. this feeling of judgment)? We should denounce the feelings of judgment if it is the feelings that stemmed from others and not God. For He is the only judge that should matter. According to me obviously.
Besides, like this man, it would seem all attempts to understand what is going on will avail nothing anyways. I think this is the hardest part of my growth, relationship and experience on my spiritual path. Having blind faith, all the while dealing with disappointment, judgment and life struggles that question what is this all for. I also believe that it is our relationship and journey that helps us be ok with the judgment or at least reconcile that there is something out there that may explain our purpose here. But again that has been a very difficult journey both mentally and spiritually because these two aspects fight each other all the time. Sometimes I wish it could be one way or the other. Kind of like Mr. K and this trial and gate, not knowing and standing trial/judgment with no answers tests ones faith to ends that make one question everything.
I can only step through that gate, whereby accepting whatever judgment may follow. Definition of blind faith.
It’s funny, my Dad said, God does not dam you, but rather, when facing your eternal judgment, you freely choose to dam yourself. One must look at what are we living for and that we must not live life for the judgment but to further our relationship with God, which would lead to the question I have thought about many times before. Who is God? But that is a topic for a later time.
Sorry about this response but I can't formulate my thoughts concisely enough so this will have to do for now.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Having had my brains blown out by Franz Kafka's novel, The Trial, I feel compelled to write a quick blurb. The story is of a Man, Mr. K., who awakens one day to find that he is being arrested. He will never find out why. In fact, anyone reading this story will find that nobody really knows anything, even if they know a lot about what is going on. All the while, the court of which Mr. K is arrested, has no semblance of legitimacy, making one wonder why Mr. K should ever care to worry about this trial.
Either way, despite his arrest, he is allowed to return to his life and deal with his accusation on his own time - and so he does. Wherever he goes, he finds people supposedly knowledgeable of his case. They offer sporadic advice, touted to be of utmost importance to his defense, even though, like I said, they know nothing of what is going on - except that Mr. K's been arrested and his defense must be maintained at all costs . Near the end of this parable of a novel, is a small parable in of itself that seems to describes this man's multifaceted attempts to understand his trial.
I dare not summarize the small parable here, but I have found a free translation of the story. While it's a different translation from what I read ( it was originally written in German) I think this will do.
Many aspects of my spiritual life can be compared to Mr. K's trial and the above parable. It is not uncommon for me to feel spiritually on trial- despite the fact that I have no logical reason for feeling this way. Like Mr. K, I don't know who to turn or listen to. Furthermore, while all the advice I get seems to be really useful, when analyzed, none of it really makes any sense. In the end,if you have read the above parable, my spiritual inquiry can be seen as fruitless as it was for this guy to spend his whole life standing before the gates wondering how he could get in. It is a sad thought indeed when we find out why, right before the man dies, no one else as tried to get in; the gate is for him alone.
I would suspect that one could face one's existence and subsequent death like this man faces the gates in the story. I do not want my existence/life put on trial, especially given the fact that the only reason it would seem I would have for being on trial, is my existence. What more, I have no idea of how I am being judged, but only that I am being judged. But hold on. Should even care? Should I not denounce the arrest altogether (ie this feeling of judgment). Besides, like this man, it would seem all attempts to understand what is going on will avail nothing anyways.
But I cannot shake this existential cosmic judgment so .... As far as my life goes, I have to ask myself am I doomed forever to stand questioning in front of that gate wondering what it's all about? Or, will I realize that the gate was just for me, that that no human will have any answers, and that only I can step through that gate, whereby accepting whatever judgment may follow?
Or I could just have a beer.
Its funny, my Dad said, God does not dam you, but rather, when facing your during eternal judgment, you freely choose to dam yourself.
And people wonder why Catholics feel guilty all the time.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
Either way, despite his arrest, he is allowed to return to his life and deal with his accusation on his own time - and so he does. Wherever he goes, he finds people supposedly knowledgeable of his case. They offer sporadic advice, touted to be of utmost importance to his defense, even though, like I said, they know nothing of what is going on - except that Mr. K's been arrested and his defense must be maintained at all costs . Near the end of this parable of a novel, is a small parable in of itself that seems to describes this man's multifaceted attempts to understand his trial.
I dare not summarize the small parable here, but I have found a free translation of the story. While it's a different translation from what I read ( it was originally written in German) I think this will do.
Many aspects of my spiritual life can be compared to Mr. K's trial and the above parable. It is not uncommon for me to feel spiritually on trial- despite the fact that I have no logical reason for feeling this way. Like Mr. K, I don't know who to turn or listen to. Furthermore, while all the advice I get seems to be really useful, when analyzed, none of it really makes any sense. In the end,if you have read the above parable, my spiritual inquiry can be seen as fruitless as it was for this guy to spend his whole life standing before the gates wondering how he could get in. It is a sad thought indeed when we find out why, right before the man dies, no one else as tried to get in; the gate is for him alone.
I would suspect that one could face one's existence and subsequent death like this man faces the gates in the story. I do not want my existence/life put on trial, especially given the fact that the only reason it would seem I would have for being on trial, is my existence. What more, I have no idea of how I am being judged, but only that I am being judged. But hold on. Should even care? Should I not denounce the arrest altogether (ie this feeling of judgment). Besides, like this man, it would seem all attempts to understand what is going on will avail nothing anyways.
But I cannot shake this existential cosmic judgment so .... As far as my life goes, I have to ask myself am I doomed forever to stand questioning in front of that gate wondering what it's all about? Or, will I realize that the gate was just for me, that that no human will have any answers, and that only I can step through that gate, whereby accepting whatever judgment may follow?
Or I could just have a beer.
Its funny, my Dad said, God does not dam you, but rather, when facing your during eternal judgment, you freely choose to dam yourself.
And people wonder why Catholics feel guilty all the time.
Sincerely,
Mr. J
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